I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
