I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
