You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
