He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
