listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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