We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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