a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
