Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
