Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
