I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
