life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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