I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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