You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
