i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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