shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
