Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
