I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
