i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
