I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
