hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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