I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't turn off my feet"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
