If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
