Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
