Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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