Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
