Me too!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
