He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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