I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
