ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
