The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ketchup is God's man juice
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
