i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
