M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
