Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
