Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
