This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
