I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
