she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
