woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
