Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
