I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I fill condoms, not promises.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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