Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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