I've blown a few things in my day
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
