She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
