4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
