Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
