I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
