Someone shit on the floor
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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