this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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