dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
