She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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